a heart made of paper and glass.

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 03:58:58 GMT

~~happy~~ crappy birthday to me.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 02:42:50 GMT

I gave my phone number to some guy today, a friend of someone's that came in.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Sat, 28 May 2005 00:30:28 GMT

I put Monsterangel on hiatus because all of the sites on it, I don't actively use. Ichoria is going to go down soon for revamping, I'm not making anything to include in 13 Stitches or Devil's Playground. Maybe I'll try and force myself to pixel doll some so I can work on Devil's Playground, and put up a writing site to encourage me to get some shit down. And maybe when I get a better camera I'll put up a photoblog or something. I don't even post here all that often to include it. All I've been doing is playing video games, going to school and working. And thinking up closing tomorrow is putting my stomach in a tight knot, I'm dreading going in.

Going back to websites really quick, there's a lot of things I need to fix on this layout, but being that my paid account has expired, I can't touch it. On my other journal, it's expired too, and I don't have enough money to spare right now to get paid accounts for each of them. I'll probably have to wait until my next paycheck on Friday.

God, I hope I get that job at Eckerd. I don't want to work at Panera anymore. I'm so tired of it.

Mm, Radiohead.

Tue, 17 May 2005 15:17:56 GMT

There's a baby bird in my computer science classroom. Bastedo isn't here, so this room is packed and there's music playing and people are standing on tables and dancing.

Stephanie and I tried to feed the bird and give it some water, but it won't eat or drink, not really. Hopefully it won't die because no one wants to vomit into its mouth. o_o;

Thu, 12 May 2005 19:39:02 GMT

Too bad murder is illegal because I'd love to kill her.

Times like this, I'm glad I'm female and that no one could ever do that to me. I couldn't care less about her daughter; her daughter is the reason why all of that started. The awful thing is what she did do the father. I know why it hits me the hardest, because it's not about being a parent to somebody, for me. It's about there being some part of me existing outside of myself. I'm selfish; the only part of me I want to exist is ME. If I found out that there was a child of mine somewhere out there, I'd want it dead. That's why I hate this person. With a passion.

Speaking of passion, I heard that the devil in Passion of the Christ is uberhot. But no hot guy is worth sitting through that movie.

Sun, 08 May 2005 01:50:26 GMT

Put in my application at Eckerd today. Not feeling particularly optimistic about it, though. Not feeling particularly optimistic about anything at all, actually.

Fri, 06 May 2005 00:16:21 GMT

Viva la celibacy.

Wed, 04 May 2005 15:59:42 GMT

Yargh.

My once $1400 bank account is steadily dwindling down. After buying Guild Wars and Sims 2 just now, I think I'm down to like $300 or so. And there are still some thing that I have to do. At least I get a paycheck, albeit a small one, on Friday.

Mon, 02 May 2005 23:11:39 GMT

Got my schedule all changed and whatnot. I really, really wanted to take yearbook next year, but since they moved the period up so seniors would show up, it falls right in the middle of my Fine Art Major class, so I can't take it. Argh. Maybe I could bother Ms. Robbins during another period or something. Because all the other classes I wanted to take conflicted with the art class, I've ended up with early out, late in. Which means I only have school from 8:00-2:00. I might get out even earlier if I have 9th lunch, which is the last lunch of the day, which I, of course, wouldn't bother to show up for since I could get better food elsewhere. It sounds easy, but I've got gym, Anatomy and Phys, Pre-Cal Honors, AP English, and Fine Art Major. Not bad.

Also, I just registered for the SAT, using my own money. $61.50 because I was late, ouch. Kate, when are you taking yours? We ought to ~~meet up at your house so I can see my boy~~ study together. June 4th for me.

Mon, 02 May 2005 12:18:53 GMT

If there's one thing that going to Arcadia yesterday did for me (besides cookies, brownies and a free t-shirt) it's finally letting me know what I'd like to do with my life. Graphic design sounds neat, eh? I took the tour of the art facilities, but all the equipment was put away in favor of the display of the seniors' projects. I was quite completely taken by the graphic design projects, the one with the advertisement posters and the fake product displays. So cool. I still don't think I have the talent for it, but that's why you go to school, right? I hope.

Even so... my brother insists that I go to liberal arts school with a good arts program instead of an art college since it's like having a "vocational degree." Bleh. I was hoping to be done with science and math by college.

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 22:28:10 GMT

Does today suck balls?

Judges... ?

Yes!

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 15:34:50 GMT

Playing hooky.

Haha, one for the win.

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 02:32:32 GMT

So, today was absolutely mortifying.

But at least I got out of school.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:19:06 GMT

I am on life's bad side tonight.

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 23:02:39 GMT

Restlessness. Drowning. I hate this feeling. This feeling that's sort of like boredom and inspiration, like being stretched only a little bit in every different direction, and there's this pulsating center of WANTING TO DO SOMETHING right in this center, this throbbing little piece of creative energy that's just so lost in the center of everything and I don't know what to do with a damn bit of it. Just like... I want to reach in and pull everything out and rearrange it so that I don't feel like wanting to burst, explode. Implode. I don't know. I just wish it would stop or I would find something to do with myself.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I want to fucking quit, actually. I want to quit IB to. Damnit.

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:41:08 GMT

Me = not single anymore, after a two-year hiatus. :)

My only hope is that this goes better than things did with Mike. And it's not that hard to do better than Mike. (He's already proved his superiority in the kissing area. Heehee.)

P.S., Kate says I glow. Damn that phosphorus.

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 14:59:47 GMT

So I went to the library today, the school library. I got this book on writing by some famous novelist I've never heard of, and a book on prohibition I need for my extended essay. I just spent the entire period just randomly browsing the nonfiction section. I picked up this book on abortion and there was a little pamphlet thing, with all the pointless shit a fetus can do at eight weeks. OMG, it can suck its thumb! Yay! It had a picture of the hideous thing, so I took out a pen and wrote "ABORTED!" on it. Harrharr. Go me.

Anyway, ToD at Kate's house tomorrow. That'll be fun. For, err... more reason that just playing ToD. *coughhackcough*

Speaking of which... KAAAAAATE! I have a lot of ideas for this pirate thinger for Bleeding Souls. Talk to meeeeeee. I need to know if it's going to be male or female. xD

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 11:50:44 GMT

Heh. So.

I had fun last night.

Word of advice. While Sin City is, for the most part, visually stimulating, it's quite boring. I got to a point where I was just staring at the screen -- "When will it END!"

Plus, I got a headache because I haven't been to the movies in so long, and I think the colors were a problem too. But, at least the company was nice. :)

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 13:19:33 GMT

Score! My dad is letting me stay home from school today so I can wait for some package he's supposed to get. This is good, because I didn't revise my essay for research over spring break. *grin* Not like I'm going to do it today or anything.

But, I'm cleaning up my room right now, because it needs it. This also means that I can finish the layout for this journal that I was working on, write up my story for hardlyhopeless, most likely level my WoW character up to 29 and just generally fuck around. My dad said he wants to go to Philly, also... hopefully to see my brother and maybe go see Sin City together.

Besides that, I also finished A Density of Souls... damn, that was good. And really sort of sick, actually. I really EWWWing for a second, and then smacking myself because I realized I adore twincest, so why not! It's close enough.

damn the internet.

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 03:31:09 GMT

I think there's actually something wrong with our internet. There's a lot of sites that I can't access right now, for no reason at all. My dad says the internet kept going off for him, but it's fine for me... up until all of these sites that I can't get into. It's really frustrating... argh. Now I have to wait until school tomorrow to check a lot of things I check up on regularly.

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 19:50:45 GMT

So I'm in the middle of reading A Density of Souls right now. This is all I have to say to its author.

Dear Christopher Rice (Anne Rice's son who's writing is far more enjoyable that his wordy fuck of a mother -- at least he actually acknowledges the fact that his characters are gay as fuck),

STOP KILLING YOUR CHARACTERS.

Yours truly,
Me.

lost.

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 07:36:18 GMT

If I'm supposed to have a passion I wish I would figure it out.

I could never be any kind of an artist. I have no mind, no eye, no talent for detail. No originality. I look at styles, ideas, concepts, I look and pick from it, I look and say, I wish I'd thought of that. I wish I could be an artist. I wish for that kind of talent, but I simply don't have it.

I could never do anything with video games or computer graphics. I'm not open enough with video games; I'm not even very good at playing them. How could I possibly code them, or do character designs or storylines or whatever?

I could never be a writer. I'm not very good. My style fluctates -- I've written things that I've loved and I simply can't do it anymore. To be a writer I'd have to write things that people like, people would buy and read. I can't even get readers online.

I don't want to be resigned to a desk job because I had no talent in anything else. I don't want to be another mindless, mediocre drone. I want to do something interesting, something fun. This is the only life I've got, and I only feel rage and sadness over not being suited to anything that would lead me to the life I want.

It's times like this where I get sit back and say, yes, I feel worthless. A number, a smudge of an existence that'll be conveniently wiped away when it's obvious I'm not doing anything worthwhile. Not an individual, just a statistic, just another ant in the population. I look at Deviantart, and I see so much talent. I see it and I go, that's amazing. They're amazing. I wish I could do that. And they're doing it, they're going places, in majors or programs or already making money. That's what I have to do. That's what I can't do.

I wish I could know. I wish I could just peer into the future and at least get a glimpse of what I'll be ten years from now, so I could know what to do today.

"go make god laugh."

Fri, 01 Apr 2005 04:08:07 GMT

Mitch Hedburg
1968 - 2005

Rest In Peace, man. You were the funniest comedian I've ever heard.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish....the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 15:47:11 GMT

Cecil is here. :)

nouveau la computer. or something.

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 13:11:36 GMT

Because I'm constantly on my dad's Shuttle PC, playing World of Warcraft, he'll now be getting me a better computer for myself. My Natasha is a Dell laptop, but I'm having a lot of trouble with it being slow and IE and freezing up and everything, so getting something new -- that's in my room and that I can play WoW on, is going to be REALLY awesome.

The Dimension 8400 is going to be my new computer.

I shall call him...

Cecil.

That is all.

/geekdom